Remember, because that's all you can do.

Well, here we are. It's been almost two months since my last post. Instead of blogging, I've found a new habit of falling asleep on the couch to the drone of some Food Network rerun. So from where I left off....

My exams went well...as well as expected I guess. I drove to and from VT to home way too many times, had way too many sad goodbyes, and rode way too many miles on a charter bus. My secret transfer had been found out finally as well. My final days at Virginia Tech as a real student were as memorable as the first, except in reverse. I was the first person to move into my room, as was I the last to move out. Graduation was just like any other graduation, beyond annoying to endure. I sat through two graduations that weekend, the second being for my Annie Lockett's graduation from the community college, in which I had a two hour nap before the ceremony. Let's just say I was not a happy camper. After getting semi-settled back in my home, I began to work my three-four jobs of the summer. Call me a cashier-mary kay lady-umpire-baby/house sitting machine. The days I'm not busy with one of these jobs, I'm busy being the laziest person I know. And when I'm not either doing everything or absolutely nothing, I'm with the greatest friends I could have ever asked for (minus my Gate City crew, of course). This summer is turning out nothing like I had planned. New friendships, old friends coming back in my life, staying out all night being 18, and having some of the greatest adventures to date. I can't complain about almost anything. You never know where a night in Henry County can take you, and I can only hope it takes me back to some of the amazing moments I've had so far. It's been just like the epic life I lead any other place I am. I think I've just about caught you up on my life since the beginning of May.

I think I've silently realized that music education is not what I want to be when I grow up. It's something I'm beyond passionate about, but I almost feel I don't have the drive I should have about it. So, here I am, back at the drawing board.

I love my life. I love my friends. I love whats ahead of me. The only complaint I have is having no money, even with the amount of work I have.

I promise, from this day forward, I will be back on the blogging train. :)

PS--I hope this is sufficient, Marla.

"I’ve seen this here I’ve stood here before.

You know I have boy.
You know I’ve been right here.
I’ve felt the fire from this war.
You know I have so.
So let me see it again.

And you are my fading photograph. And ripped memory.
And your burning memoirs rest here. You know they wrestle with me.
You are the noise in here I cannot sleep without.
Constant reminders everywhere in between
You are the way out of here. The grace that I have found
Constant reminders everywhere in between

I’ve lived out all my crazy Vegas dreams.
I’ve seen it all boy.
I’ve seen it all right here.
And now regret the glamour that I have made.
Please forgive me.
Oh God forgive me.

And you are my fading photograph. And ripped memory.
And your burning memoirs rest here. You know they wrestle with me.
You are the noise in here I cannot sleep without.
Constant reminders everywhere in between
You are the way out of here. The grace that I have found
Constant reminders everywhere in between

I walked away from
And now I wish a poem

I’ve come to tell you
I’m coming home tonight
I’m on my way back home
And your arms tell me it’s been too long
I’m on my way back home
And your lips tell me it’s been too long

You are the noise in here I cannot sleep without.
Constant reminders everywhere in between
You are the noise in here I cannot sleep without.
Constant reminders everywhere in between
You are the way out of here the grace that I have found.
Constant reminders everywhere in between "

Day of Reading, Day of Thinking.

It's Reading Day. Have I read anything? Negative. Have I been able to do much of anything productive? Negative. Have I thought about the same things over and over? We've got a winner. I just want to be able to get things done. I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of being scared. But, I'm not going to stop. I can't give up now. I haven't lost the faith quite yet. I will continue to at least try to look strong. I am, though, even though I may think different sometimes, getting stronger. I wore my grandma's pearls today, and the catch kept turning. It's gotta mean someone is thinking of me. :)

I can't believe how much I'm going to miss crashing in Kandra's room, watching movies and talking about everything. There are so many things I'm going to miss about this place. But at the same time, there are so many things I'm not going to miss.

If I weren't so scatterbrained, I would have so much more to say. One day, when my life gets back on some kinda track I'll be able to open up more again.

"So pretty, so smart

Such a waste of a young heart!

What a pity, what a sham

What's the matter with you, man?

Don't you see it's wrong, can't you get it right?

Out of mind and outta sight

Call on all your girls, don't forget the boys

Put a lid on all that noise!

I'm a satellite heart

Lost in the dark

I'm spun out so far

You stop, I start

But I'll be true to you

I hear you're living out of state, running in a whole new scene

You know I haven't slept in weeks, you're the only thing I see

I'm a satellite heart

Lost in the dark

I'm spun out so far

You stop, I start

But I'll be true to you

I'm a satellite heart

Lost in the dark

I'm spun out so far

You stop I start

But I'll be true to you no matter what you do

Yeah I'll be true to you"

Times a Wastin

Tonight I'm sitting in my lovely Kandra's room watching Walk the Line. I remember once a nice Walmart worker told me I looked like June Carter in the pillow aisle. One of the nicest things ever said to me, even if it wasn't true.

This weekend, just like every other, was incredibly eventful. Highs, lows, and in betweens from Friday-Sunday. I'm learning to be more patient than I have ever had to be. The thing is, it's starting to get easier, because I want the outcome to be what I want it to be. Time could be the only thing to make that happen. My heart aches when I'm not patient, but its slowly duct taped when I'm surrounded by my friends and music. It's making this waiting game a whole lot easier. I only wish it was known that I am never as patient as I have been. I wish it was known that I'm not asking for the world. I wish it was known that I'm not really asking for anything at all. But, I will wait. I'll wait a long time if I have to, because my eyes have been opened through this whole experience. Opened to something bigger than I thought. Opened to opportunity. It's sad, though, that most important things are not left up to me at all. I sometimes like to think I have a pretty good head on my shoulders, and I'm still not left to much decision making.

I've been so scared for so long. Been scared to give my heart to someone I can only hope won't give it back. I've been wrong so many times. Just when I try time and time again, its making my faith wear thin. But, as I've been told and as I tell people on an almost daily basis good things come to those who wait. So here I am, waiting. Waiting for so many things. For every aspect of my future to unfold. Life is somewhat of a waiting room during these years of my life. I cannot wait to get to the real deal. I have to wonder, though, if waiting is the real deal?

I have so much to say, but my brain cells are dying on me right now, more tomorrow.

"Can't make my own decisions
Or make any with precision
Well maybe you should tie me up
So I don't go where you don't want me

You say that I been changing
that I'm not just simply aging
Yeah how could that be logical?
Just keep on cramming ideas down my throat

You don't have to believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror

If God's the game you're playing
Well we must get more acquainted
Because it has to be so lonely
To be the only one who's holy

It's just my humble opinion
But it's one that I believe in
You don't deserve a point of view
If the only thing you see is you."

I hope that your heart is always warm.

Isn't it the best moment when one of your favorite songs ever pops up on your Pandora?! Turns an unsettling day into a not so terrible one. :) I'm growing tired. Tired of most things. Tired of school, work, and having to do things because I have to and not want to. My procrastination is at one of its highest highs. I sit around like I have nothing to do, when it is quite the opposite. My first year of college is coming to a close. My first year of not having mama for every little thing I need. My first year of waking myself up every day. My first year of having to make every choice on my own. My first year of really "living." As Corey Smith says, "If I could do it again, you know I'd do it the same." Except, I wouldn't do it all the same. I wouldn't have let my heart go so easily so many times. I wouldn't have believed so many deceptions. I wouldn't have gotten used as much. It's experiences like those, however, that have made me into the strong person I am sitting at this computer writing to you. I can't wait to see what my second year has in store.

Today, just like most, I realize how happy I am to have wonderful friends. Some of us went shopping..."retail therapy." It was ideal. And, we feasted at Red Lobster! Anchorman is the movie of the night, also. I'm going to miss them more than they can begin to imagine. Good friends are hard to find, especially in my po-dunk town. Its looking like lots of TN roadtrips and I've never been happier saying that. :)

My least favorite day of the week really...wasn't that terrible. Now, this time next week will be different...I'll be freaking about juries. But, I'm not sure I have all that much insight on anything tonight, I'm just letting my Pandora do all my thinking for me.

'til next time.

"So long sweet summer,
I stumbled upon you and gratefully basked in your rays.
So long sweet slumber.
I fell into you now you're gracefully falling away.

Hey thanks, thanks for that summer.
It is cold where your going
I hope that your heart is always warm.
I gave you the best, gave you the best that I had.
You passed on my letters
& passed on the best that I had.

I hate the winter in Lexington."

Is Patience really a virtue?

Everyone has heard the saying "patience is a virtue." Yes, I'm a victim of telling countless people this phrase, yet I have to wonder most of the time if I really buy into it. I tell people to wait, but it's one of my biggest struggles. Why do I contradict myself on a daily basis? It's probably...because of my stressful nature. I just want everything to fall into place automatically. I'm a creature of habit. I park in the same places, eat at the same places, watch the same TV shows, and do the same things day after day. So, when there is something I want to add into the routine, I want it there in the same way every day, and if something changes I freak out. Why? If I knew, my life would probably be a lot easier. But, at the same time, if I knew everything and it was all easy, would it really be worth it? Life is a struggle, and I really don't mind it that way. Although, I'd like to not look like a fool occasionally. Maybe one day I'll calm down a little and I won't get so worked up so quick over the little things. I'm working on it. :)

I woke up this morning to find my throat angry at me and not willing to let me speak. I also found that people ALWAYS associate the south with deep frying. My sightsinging teacher asked me if I'd ever deep fried a twinkie, and of course I said I could deep fry just about anything. I love being from the south. It puts smiles on peoples faces the way I live at home in the woods. I'm so proud of my roots, and it's taken me until I've been away from it to embrace it.

I'm glad I stopped listening to the radio and top 40 again. It feels good to listen to real music written with real feelings.

'til next time.

"They tell you where you need to go

They tell you when you'll need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be

But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words

And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be... (near You)

Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take

When I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries..."

It's that time again

It's about this time every single night that I lose every single ounce of motivation. I'd much rather be listening to my old school boy inspired iPod and play Bubble Shooter until I can't keep my eyes open. So I feel this is much more productive than playing Bubble Shooter.

I've also found how comforting a playlist can be. Especially one I made at least 4 years ago that I can come back to and fall in love with once again. It's the old Dashboard, Coldplay, All Time Low, Mayday Parade, Death Cab, and Saosin that has gotten me by here lately. I've always taken an interest in lyrics, and these have so much passion in them. If only I were profound enough to write some of my own. I feel like I have enough passion...for at least twenty people. I feel like it's one of my worst qualities--being too kind, open, and easily forgiving. Yes, most people strive for those, but why does it continue to end up only hurting me worse in the end? Why do such trivial things end up making me the most upset? I believe its thoughts like these that keep me up until all hours. When am I going to find someone that can put up with my craziness? My heart is beginning to not shine as bright, to become more fragile by the day. It terrifies me. That's always been my favorite thing about me--staying positive all the time. It's something that I've honestly had to work at, this year. The world can bring one down so easy now that I'm practically on my own. I realize how, not necessarily sheltered, but more blessed I was as a child. I was brought up by the most amazing parents, lived in a loving family. Now, I see more and more of families and situations that I've never seen. It's so foreign to me, but I'm trying to keep up. I just have to find a way to keep the faith as strong as ever, now. It's up to me and only me, until I find someone that regenerates it in me. Maybe, it's not as far away as I think...but, who knows? Not I. I want it to be, but it's not always my choice.

I miss when life was so easy. When my mom was my personal assistant, when I owned the band, when I had the world at my fingertips. Now, I have none of that. But, I'm doing a good job at standing up again, this time completely on my own.

Today I learned about sculpting German Shepherds in my scholarship meeting. That is one of the most pointless tasks I will ever learn about in the history of my life. I also had a most delicious Slurpee and got to spend time with my precious Kandra. She does know how to brighten my day, that's for sure. :)

Tomorrow should be fun...I get Pomp and Circumstance for the 4th time to play. I lose my desire to be a music major every single day. Next semester is decision time, for sure. But, as far as I know, no band kid likes Pomp and Circumstance.

And I think that's all for my procrastination tonight. :)

"Squeaky swings and tall grass

The longest shadows ever cast
The water's warm and children swim
And we frolicked about in our summer skin

I don't recall a single care
Just greenery and humid air
Then Labor day came and went
And we shed what was left of our summer skin

On the night you left I came over
And we peeled the freckles from our shoulders
Our brand new coats so flushed and pink
And I knew your heart I couldn't win
Cause the season's change was a conduit
And we'd left our love in our summer skin"

By the way...

This is titled after a song, it's not just a witty phrase. :)

death cab for cutie-- what sarah said.