I hope that your heart is always warm.

Isn't it the best moment when one of your favorite songs ever pops up on your Pandora?! Turns an unsettling day into a not so terrible one. :) I'm growing tired. Tired of most things. Tired of school, work, and having to do things because I have to and not want to. My procrastination is at one of its highest highs. I sit around like I have nothing to do, when it is quite the opposite. My first year of college is coming to a close. My first year of not having mama for every little thing I need. My first year of waking myself up every day. My first year of having to make every choice on my own. My first year of really "living." As Corey Smith says, "If I could do it again, you know I'd do it the same." Except, I wouldn't do it all the same. I wouldn't have let my heart go so easily so many times. I wouldn't have believed so many deceptions. I wouldn't have gotten used as much. It's experiences like those, however, that have made me into the strong person I am sitting at this computer writing to you. I can't wait to see what my second year has in store.

Today, just like most, I realize how happy I am to have wonderful friends. Some of us went shopping..."retail therapy." It was ideal. And, we feasted at Red Lobster! Anchorman is the movie of the night, also. I'm going to miss them more than they can begin to imagine. Good friends are hard to find, especially in my po-dunk town. Its looking like lots of TN roadtrips and I've never been happier saying that. :)

My least favorite day of the week really...wasn't that terrible. Now, this time next week will be different...I'll be freaking about juries. But, I'm not sure I have all that much insight on anything tonight, I'm just letting my Pandora do all my thinking for me.

'til next time.

"So long sweet summer,
I stumbled upon you and gratefully basked in your rays.
So long sweet slumber.
I fell into you now you're gracefully falling away.

Hey thanks, thanks for that summer.
It is cold where your going
I hope that your heart is always warm.
I gave you the best, gave you the best that I had.
You passed on my letters
& passed on the best that I had.

I hate the winter in Lexington."

Is Patience really a virtue?

Everyone has heard the saying "patience is a virtue." Yes, I'm a victim of telling countless people this phrase, yet I have to wonder most of the time if I really buy into it. I tell people to wait, but it's one of my biggest struggles. Why do I contradict myself on a daily basis? It's probably...because of my stressful nature. I just want everything to fall into place automatically. I'm a creature of habit. I park in the same places, eat at the same places, watch the same TV shows, and do the same things day after day. So, when there is something I want to add into the routine, I want it there in the same way every day, and if something changes I freak out. Why? If I knew, my life would probably be a lot easier. But, at the same time, if I knew everything and it was all easy, would it really be worth it? Life is a struggle, and I really don't mind it that way. Although, I'd like to not look like a fool occasionally. Maybe one day I'll calm down a little and I won't get so worked up so quick over the little things. I'm working on it. :)

I woke up this morning to find my throat angry at me and not willing to let me speak. I also found that people ALWAYS associate the south with deep frying. My sightsinging teacher asked me if I'd ever deep fried a twinkie, and of course I said I could deep fry just about anything. I love being from the south. It puts smiles on peoples faces the way I live at home in the woods. I'm so proud of my roots, and it's taken me until I've been away from it to embrace it.

I'm glad I stopped listening to the radio and top 40 again. It feels good to listen to real music written with real feelings.

'til next time.

"They tell you where you need to go

They tell you when you'll need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be

But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words

And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be... (near You)

Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take

When I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries..."

It's that time again

It's about this time every single night that I lose every single ounce of motivation. I'd much rather be listening to my old school boy inspired iPod and play Bubble Shooter until I can't keep my eyes open. So I feel this is much more productive than playing Bubble Shooter.

I've also found how comforting a playlist can be. Especially one I made at least 4 years ago that I can come back to and fall in love with once again. It's the old Dashboard, Coldplay, All Time Low, Mayday Parade, Death Cab, and Saosin that has gotten me by here lately. I've always taken an interest in lyrics, and these have so much passion in them. If only I were profound enough to write some of my own. I feel like I have enough passion...for at least twenty people. I feel like it's one of my worst qualities--being too kind, open, and easily forgiving. Yes, most people strive for those, but why does it continue to end up only hurting me worse in the end? Why do such trivial things end up making me the most upset? I believe its thoughts like these that keep me up until all hours. When am I going to find someone that can put up with my craziness? My heart is beginning to not shine as bright, to become more fragile by the day. It terrifies me. That's always been my favorite thing about me--staying positive all the time. It's something that I've honestly had to work at, this year. The world can bring one down so easy now that I'm practically on my own. I realize how, not necessarily sheltered, but more blessed I was as a child. I was brought up by the most amazing parents, lived in a loving family. Now, I see more and more of families and situations that I've never seen. It's so foreign to me, but I'm trying to keep up. I just have to find a way to keep the faith as strong as ever, now. It's up to me and only me, until I find someone that regenerates it in me. Maybe, it's not as far away as I think...but, who knows? Not I. I want it to be, but it's not always my choice.

I miss when life was so easy. When my mom was my personal assistant, when I owned the band, when I had the world at my fingertips. Now, I have none of that. But, I'm doing a good job at standing up again, this time completely on my own.

Today I learned about sculpting German Shepherds in my scholarship meeting. That is one of the most pointless tasks I will ever learn about in the history of my life. I also had a most delicious Slurpee and got to spend time with my precious Kandra. She does know how to brighten my day, that's for sure. :)

Tomorrow should be fun...I get Pomp and Circumstance for the 4th time to play. I lose my desire to be a music major every single day. Next semester is decision time, for sure. But, as far as I know, no band kid likes Pomp and Circumstance.

And I think that's all for my procrastination tonight. :)

"Squeaky swings and tall grass

The longest shadows ever cast
The water's warm and children swim
And we frolicked about in our summer skin

I don't recall a single care
Just greenery and humid air
Then Labor day came and went
And we shed what was left of our summer skin

On the night you left I came over
And we peeled the freckles from our shoulders
Our brand new coats so flushed and pink
And I knew your heart I couldn't win
Cause the season's change was a conduit
And we'd left our love in our summer skin"

By the way...

This is titled after a song, it's not just a witty phrase. :)

death cab for cutie-- what sarah said.

I've never been one

I've never actually thought about creating one of these, but I feel like I should begin to get things out of my head occasionally. So here it begins, a journey through my crazy head.

I can never sleep anymore. There is constantly something on my mind. Why did I become such a worry wart? I'm only 18, I can't take care of everyone just yet. I really do think that I just don't like sleep. As a college student, isn't it supposed to be one of my favorite things? There are serious downfalls to not sleeping, though...like falling asleep through class and in the middle of the best tv shows. I'm always tired, but never do anything about it. Maybe this will start to give my mind some peace. Maybe I just need to start writing again. That's the thing about being a music major, thats all you know. Never have I ever missed English class as much as I have this year. I'm too busy analyzing chords to read a book. Too busy learning solfege to write anything. I can only hope that is going to change. My life is doing nothing but changing, lately. It's moving at a ridiculous speed that I can barely hold onto. Grabbing its coattails is the only thing I'm able to do lately. Only 7 more real days of classes/exams in my first year of college. Who would've began to thought it would go by so quickly? This has been the biggest learning experience of my entire life. Me, a first generation college student from a tiny textile town, making a name for myself. It feels...well, I guess it should feel awesome. It's one of the scariest feelings in the entire world, though. Well, now I feel like I'm just rambling. But, it's better to ramble here than keep everything inside. I'm sure these will get more interesting by the day, the summer is almost here and things are most definitely going to get blog-worthy.